Father’s Day
June 17, 2007 by TS
Last month I posted my thoughts about Mother’s Day. Those thoughts were not exactly positive.
Father’s Day is a little different. It makes me reflect on all my experiences with adult men and how those experiences changed me. Most were not positive, but the lessons learned have proven to be valuable.
The person who is my father is not someone with whom I associate often. However, because of his actions I learned to notice subtle manipulation, particularly the kind often masked in the guise of gentleness and sympathy. Perhaps not an equal exchange for the things he did, but a lesson that has shown itself useful on many occassions. In turn, his father stressed gaining knowledge for knowledge’s sake. That is, not to seem smarter than others, but to be aware of the totality of topic. That took a while for me to grasp, though even as a child I understood it to me not to accept one account, one source as wholly truthful. This extended also to the notion of self-reliance, specifically not depending on others when one is fully capable of achieving one’s goal alone.
The first older male to treat me with genuine kindness technically was not a man. My uncle was only a few years older than me, but at the time his being a teenager was no different to me than being an adult. I have never seen a person give without asking or wanting anything in return the way he did. Despite being around so many questionable adult men, he never behaved like them. He tried his best to do what was right, and even when forced to do something against his will he always took responsibility for it. The latter part always bothered me because he never did anything to harm anyone. Oddly enough, that is something I picked up probably to the same extent as he did. More than anything, he was simply there. He could also change the subject in mid-sentence without anyone noticing for quite some time, a trait I wish I had. He was the kindest person I knew. I am not the man he was, nor do I think I will ever be.
The men I have met since then—my best friend’s father and my last foster father—have shown me what a man is. Both men take in children no one wants. Both men support their families with everything they have. I have seen my foster father fight to keep kids fom being shifted around from house to house. I have seen my best friend’s father help someone who committed an act his faith says is nothing less than murder and treat her with the compassion one would give to one’s own child.
It is often said that to a child a father is like God. He is all-powerful, all-knowing, the protector and provider, the rule-maker and the rule-breaker. Yet in my experience, the best fathers are not like that at all. That may be the face they put on in order to best help those around them, but underneath they are caring, compassionate people. More than anything, they what they do without complaint, without question, without a request for reciprocation or even acknowledgment. They do not asked to be paid or want anyone to guess how much they would make if the hours they spend being fathers were added up.
I see in those men, those fathers, the qualities that make a real man. I consider myself fortunate to have seen what does not work and now what does. While I doubt I possess any of those qualities, they are something I do strive towards.
Regardless of that, I want to say that there are good men, good fathers out there and they deserve to be recognized. Happy Father’s Day.
“Yet in my experience, the best fathers are not like that at all. ”
Speaking as a father, quite right. Speaking as a Christain, God does not come across as all-powerful, protector and provider.
I have one son, and a step-daughter. That, and my expoerience as a son and as agrandson is the basis of my experience in this. My son’s mother divorce me when he was nine. We have raised him jointly basically. aside from that, I have a fatherly relationship with a younger man and his wife.
There is a lways a protectiveaspect to any relationship where one member is senior to the other, but one of the traits of a really fatherly relationship is that it’s goal is the full aduthood of the son or daughter, so thta protectiveness is never more than provisional, and stays as nuanced and implied as possible. You treat your child as much as an equal as is appropriate ofr the stage of development, in hopes of greater and greater equality. When that time comes, it is always heart-breakingly beautiful.
My son is currently in the (US) Navy SEALs program. I am hardly in a position to protect him. I can trade inter-service taunts - I am Army - and that validates his independence and equality. And I can encourage him. That means more ot him than anything else I might offer.
Great post TS.
My father is dead and has been for a long while now. He had a bad childhood and did his best to not transfer that bad onto us kids. For the most part he succeeded. The same could be said of my mother.
My sons are RCMP and Navy. Both big and strong men. Neither is likely to ever become a father. Their experience with women being fairly bad. I tried to protect them from the evil going on around us and from my own flaws. For the most part I succeeded.
I think the best we can do is to try to do the best we can given what we have, what our culture is and who we are. Beyond that … I don’t know.
Certainly, one does not parent with the expectation of praise or glory. Parenting is giving and nothing more. Yet, there is good in giving, is there not?