Holidays

I am not a big fan of holidays. There are too many people around and I rarely fit in. It is somewhat odd because there are moments when I can force myself to deal with large groups. Holidays, however, are different. They are intimate. People get together because they want to see each other, not because of some event.

Yesterday I spent time with my literal family. We live together, but we have not sat around just for the sake of doing so. It was weird. I guess some things can go unnoticed if a person constantly sees them. I had not noticed how much my brother and cousin had grown. I think my cousin may end up taller than me. That would make me the second shortest of all of us, not that I particularly mind. I had not noticed how fake my general behavior was until we were together again. It dropped and it was like it was when I was a child. I had the same out of place feeling, like I was there, but not there, sort of trapped.  It is akin to being inside armor. My body felt like armor that I wanted to get out of, but could not. I think maybe I managed to trick myself into behaving differently because being like that around others seems to bother them. Once it was just my family, I suppose I did not need to fake it anymore.

I still feel disconnected, more than usual. I wonder if I always felt like this. I do not have a point of reference and the only person I could ask I do not particularly want to talk to at the moment. I am completely apathetic about it, which I am certain is not a good thing. Normally I would at least pretend to care, but at the moment it does not seem to bother me. I am not sure what that means.

At some point I will have to find a way to deal with holidays and the like. If I have nephews or nieces or second cousins I do not want to push them away or be so numb that I cannot care about them. At the very least, the one plus about Thanksgiving is that no one has bothered me about not eating anything today.

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