When a Man is the Victim: Feminists Defining Male Victimization

Originally posted March 29, 2009 – TS

On The Curvature, Cara wrote a post about Jimmy Kimmel’s interview with Lil’ Wayne a few weeks ago. During the interview Wayne mentioned that he first had sex when he was eleven-years-old. Based on how he said it and his body language, it is somewhat obvious that the sex was not consensual. Wayne’s discomfort did not stop Kimmel from joking about it or the audience laughing, despite how visibly it bothered Wayne. Cara made a valid point about how people tend to view male rape:

In the majority of sexual assault cases, where a woman is the victim of a man’s violence, rape apology is rooted primarily not in the denial that male violence exists, but in the denial that male violence means something and needs to be stopped.  Conversely, in cases where a man is the victim of a woman’s violence, rape apologism is strongly rooted in the denial that women’s actions can count as violence at all — and especially that their actions can count as sexual violence against men, who are routinely construed as incapable of being victims.

In cases of both of these two types of sexual violence (though hardly the only two that exist), the victim is accused of “wanting it.”  But while the female victim is also, when that reasoning fails, accused of deserving it, this seems to not be the case with men.  No, they just always wanted it.  (Again, talking only about male victims of women — gay male victims of other men are routinely portrayed as “deserving” it as well as “wanting” it.)  There are no sneers about what he should and shouldn’t have been doing.  Just jokes about how awesome the assault must have been for him.  Like we see Jimmy Kimmel engaging in above.

There are several errors in the above statement and in the rest of Cara’s post, however, the underlying point is that people in general consider female sexual violence against males as harmless. Society treats it as a rite of passage and does not allow  male victims to say or suggest anything other bravado for having “bagged a woman.” Cara goes on to tie her opinion of why this occurs into the feminist theory of rape culture and “philosophy of rape apologism.”

While I wanted to address many of the errors made in Cara’s post, particularly those regarding how male victims react and what male victims face in terms of ridicule, I did not have the time. I posted a smaller comment that focused on the issues I thought were most important, specifically how feminists treat male victimization, how the lack of support coming from support groups and how framing sexual violence as a women’s issue plays a major role in how people react and respond to female-on-male rape. Unsurprisingly, my comments were not met with much pleasure. Although I was not expecting a polite or positive response, I certainly was not expecting what Cara posted. Specifically, I was not expecting to be accused of attacking her because I spoke openly about my own experiences. I certainly was not expecting to be told to basically shut up and “take a shit all over your own blog” for stating that the afore mentioned issues have an effect on how female-on-male is perceived. Against better sense, I responded again.

What Cara did in her response to me is unfortunately rather common in discussions about sexual violence. Many feminists like to control such discussions. By this I mean I that feminists prefer to define what the issues are, who is effected and how those people are effected. Cara does this in her post by defining for male victims of female sexual violence what their experiences are, how they have been treated and why they are treated in that way. Despite Cara mentioning in her response to me that she took great efforts to see things from the male perspective, what she presents in her post is a feminist perspective, and being such it is technically off limits for questioning, even by male victims of female sexual violence.

As I mentioned in my initial post on Cara’s blog, many advocates for male victims get shut down when they attempt to discuss male victimization. It usually happens exactly as Cara did to me. Instead of acknowledging my points about how male victims are treated by feminists and in the support community and how framing sexual violence as a women’s issue perpetuates, exacerbates and creates some of  the problems male victims face, Cara contorts those comments into a personal attack against her and other female victims. As is unfortunately common, there is no room for acknowledging that despite her efforts, her framing do not represent the male experience.

Before I mentioned that there were some errors in Cara’s post. One of them was the claim that males are never treated as deserving rape (with the exception of gay males). I do not know how familiar Cara is with male victimization, whether she read any studies or research about the way male victims feel. However, her claim that male victims of female sexual violence are not treated as deserving rape is false. It is not considered deserved in terms of punishment, but deserved in terms of a rite of passage. There is an undercurrent within society that suggests that this “rite of passage” is supposed to happen. The other aspect Cara misses is that the idea that males always want sex implies that they deserve it. In fact, this is a notion that is common in the feminist theory of rape culture. It is the idea that because sex is wanted it ought to be given, i.e. it is deserved. Again, this is not in terms of punishment, which is how male-on-male rape (of both hetero and homosexual boys and men) gets treated, but it terms of a reward.

This can be seen in the way that many people react to female sexual violence against boys. If the woman is attractive, the sex is considered harmless, wanted and deserved. If the woman is unattractive, then it is viewed as rape, not because of harm committed by the act itself, but because having sex with an unattractive woman is perceived by some as a stain on a male’s status. In other words, no boy or man would consent to sex with an ugly woman, ergo he must have been raped.

Another part of Cara’s framing interestingly absolves women of any responsibility for how the sexual violence they commit against boys and men is viewed:

On the other hand, there is a certain, entirely different group of people who would in fact see this as rape if it was done to a woman, but not see it as rape in the case of Lil’ Wayne.  These people are paternalist types.  Paternalist types who don’t oppose sexual violence because of a belief in bodily autonomy, sexual rights and social justice, but because they believe that women are delicate little flowers who need protecting, and that men are big boys who really need to suck it up.

‘Paternalism’ is not the correct word because it is not only or mostly men who hold the views Cara mentioned. Both men and women of many different ages think like that. Part of the feminist objection to male victimization being considered as bad as female victimization (and the driving force behind the notion that male rape cannot possibly occur any where near the rate female rape does) is the notion males do things and females have things done to them. It is not paternalism that causes this view, but an aspect of our distorted understanding of masculinity, which is again, a view held by both men and women (and many feminists).

Cara later mentions race being an aspect of why Lil’ Wayne’s experience was treated as a joke. While it is certainly true that within the African American community sexual violence, particularly sexual violence committed by females, is very rarely discussed, it is not true that if one changed Lil’ Wayne’s race that people would suddenly be open to considering his experience as rape. That does not seem to hold true in the public response to high-profile female rapist cases where no one knows the race of the victims, and race certainly did not seem to play a role in the response to Mary Kay Letourneau raping her victim multiple times. It could be argued that black male victims are assumed to enjoy it more because of how they have been portrayed in the media as over-sexualized. However, it does not appear that being a black male or white male has any affect on whether people view their experiences as rape.

That brings the discussion back to the notion that there is a “philosophy of rape apologism.” While Cara offered a flippant remark to my comments questioning her claim about there being such a philosophy, the situation is far more complex and nuanced than a rather unique feminist catch phrase. It is not simply a matter of people going “Oh, that’s rape, but I’m not going to call it that because it’s a woman on a man and all men want sex.” The way male victims are treated is based on a myriad of cultural, social and ideological stereotypes and norms. More so, the theory of rape culture ignores that in many instances it is not society telling people to hold a view, but people projecting their own experiences and views onto others. This aspect of “If that were me” is not culturally enforced per se. Certainly it is common to do so, but no one overtly or covertly suggests that one ought to do it. Instead, it is just a typical human behavior. People look at a situation and say, “If that were me, I’d do this…”

No matter how much one bludgeons people with snappy catch phrases, it has little effect on how they view their own reaction to a given situation. By labeling something one immediately and narrowly defines it, resulting in the exclusion of anything that does not fit into what one presumes is the cause of the issue. This is particularly with feminist theories as it relates to the male experience because by their very nature those theories do not include or really acknowledge the male experience. What Cara uses is what she feels explains her experiences as a woman and a feminist, which is likely why she took my comments about my experiences and those of other male victims as a personal attack. It is also likely why she rejected my comments about how feminists and the support community regards male victimization and how presenting rape as a women’s-only issue harms male victims. Those views do not fit into the prescribed feminist theory of rape culture or Cara’s “philosophy of rape apologism.”

While shutting me down may have felt satisfying, it has the same effect on me and other male victims as Kimmel’s jokes did on Lil’ Wayne. It silences males victims, not because males are supposed to laugh off rape, but because male victims are not supposed to define their own victimization. It is for feminists to do that, in whatever way works for them, regardless of whether those views reflect in part or at all the actual experiences of male victims.

UPDATE — In response to my post Cara stated this on her blog:

So Toysoldiers not only misconstrued my comment, he also wrote a blog post further misconstruing it and saying that I just don’t want to listen to male survivors — rather than, I don’t want to listen to male survivors telling me about how female survivors have it easier.

So guess who just got banned? Damn, you all are good at this game!

This is why I’m taking a break from all things blogging for the weekend. I close the blog . . . NOW.

The irony of Cara’s remark about her comments being misconstrued notwithstanding, while she may claim she wants to listen to male survivors, she does a good job of not listening at all. It is also worth noting that Cara informed me — none too politely — to discuss the issues I raised on my own blog, so it is curious that she would take issue with me having done that. Coincidentally, Cara’s remarks not are that different than Kimmel’s “rape apologist” treatment of Lil’ Wayne. However, rather than mocking male victimization, she mitigates it using female victimization.

UPDATE — Unfortunately, the thread has now devolved into a group of feminists basically saying that any mention of my experiences is both an attempt to deny female victimization and an attack on feminists. In other words, it is an excellent example of the general “Shut the fuck up” sentiment so many male victims and their advocates face from feminists just for relating their experiences. It is that kind of silencing of male victims that demonstrates that feminists tacitly support and endorse rape and sexual violence against boys and men while claiming otherwise. While that is a strong statement, it is fair in that those kinds of comments undermine the claim that feminists think sexual violence against males is wrong or bad on any level. These things would never be said to a female victim by feminists, regardless of whether feminists agreed with the victim’s statements or not precisely because the effect of such statements would suggest the victim is either lying or simply whining over nothing.

Perhaps there is a misunderstanding at play, but the sentiment on that thread is exactly what I and many others face from feminists every time we speak about our experiences. It is unnecessarily antagonistic, hateful and misandrist, and it serves as another example of feminists hijacking issues they do not care about just for the political gain, not for the people actually effected by it.

As a side note, it is curious that the remarks triggered me in that fashion as I am usually able to read such trite with little to no reaction.