Silly Regret

Originally created 12-05-06 – TS

Most of the time I avoid thinking about my childhood. It is difficult to concentrate when I do. I jump from one thing to the next with little to no emotional connection whatsoever (much like this post and this blog). But earlier something my godson did kind of triggered me. He is a toucher and a hugger. By that I mean you cannot be around him without him holding your hand, pulling on your arm, playing with your fingers or randomly hugging you. Usually I can deal with that well enough not feel uncomfortable. He does not mean anything by it, so I try to restrain any looks or gestures of my discontent.

Anyway, while I was sitting on the couch, he came behind me and hugged me over my shoulders. He was just by my jaw. For some reason his hair smelled like cookies. I do not know why, but I thought about my father, specifically how I used to hug him just like that. I was very young, around three or four. I think I did it because he had giant shoulders (at the time) and I wanted to see if I could get my arms around them. When I hugged my father like that, he would laugh or smile and pull me around to his front and do inappropriate things.

Thinking about that made me very uncomfortable, enough to the point where I had to stand up and walk around. My godson did not really notice my bewilderment, but I know he realized something was different. As I said, I normally do not think about the past, but for the last few hours I have been wondering what it would have been like if my father had just held me instead. I almost cannot picture it, which either means I do not have the mind’s eye I often brag about or I am seriously “touched.” (My money is on the latter.) I kind of want normal memories like everyone else has. Not a ton of them. Just one or two to get me by. In a way I feel jealous of my godson since he has never—thankfully—had any of his hugs warped in that fashion.

It is just weird how much those kinds of things make a difference. Here is something I thought I would never want, and yet I actually kind of do.


6 thoughts on “Silly Regret

  1. You post brought tears to my eyes. The pain is bad enough, but when it interferes with your own adult to child relationships then it just sucks.

    The lack of “emotional connection” is very evident in your writing in general, and something I’ve noticed in other male survivors.

  2. Toysoldier… I’ve been looking through-out this site, trying to find a way to Email you directly and talk on a more one-to-one basis, rather than blurting everything out to everybody who views this website. Would that be okay with you? I just need someone to talk to. Someone who understands, to avoid comments from people who think only women are victims, and men who “claim” to be abused are just cry babies. Please can we talk?

    Matthew Ford of Victoria, BC, Canada
    matthewford at

  3. Pingback: Being a Man: Fatherhood and Abuse | Toy Soldiers

  4. Pingback: Being a Man: Fatherhood and Abuse | Toy Soldiers

  5. Our society refuses to see that teenage girls and females can be child molesters and happens all the time yet goes widely unreported. Our system is beyond broken and needs to be fixed!!

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