Being A Man: Rage Cage

Originally posted on September 17, 2007

Over the weekend while I was hanging out with some friends one of their girlfriends mentioned that I never get angry. They had been drinking for a bit, so the comment may have been alcohol driven, but she said that she would like to see me get angry. As she put it, “You need to fuckin’ lose it!”

She does not know anything about my past, however, I could not help but think about how often I have heard that in context of my experiences. I do not express much emotion and certainly not anger. Several people have told me that I need to “let the anger out.” I find this somewhat silly and slightly insulting. People seem to assume that if one has had difficult experiences that one should be angry. And not just regular anger. Seething, burning, uncontrollable rage.

Personally, I do not understand that. Being constantly angry, constantly enraged, perpetually on edge does not seem like something anyone should want to do. In that state, anything could set the person off. The person would always mistake off-the-cuff remarks as insults or a personal attack. And once set off, the rage would drive what follows, and in a strange way it would also justify whatever is done because the person would have “lost” control.

Whatever the appeal is, I just cannot see it. Emotions lead to mistakes. They lead to overreaction. Mostly, they prevent any kind of reasoning because one is thinking more with one’s “gut” than with one’s “head.” Ironically, this kind of thinking is no different than the kind that drove the people I grew up around. It was because of seething, uncontrolled anger that their actions were “justified.” The angrier they were, the better it seemed, or at least the more sense it made to them.

The same girl once described me as a “fuckin’ cold bastard.” I suppose I would rather be that than a rage cage.

11 thoughts on “Being A Man: Rage Cage

  1. She wants you to “lose it” for the same reason women urge men to “be open about their feelings”. Leverage. Show her what pushes your buttons and she will have something to manipulate you with. Even better if, under the influence of your uncontrolled emotions, you do something you can later be made to feel ashamed of – more leverage. Stay in control.

  2. My experience is that women, in general, want to empathise with men via emotions rather than rational thought because emotions are what women understand best. Hence, emotional women cannot relate to predominantly rational men. The reasons are probably rooted in genetic determinism.

    As a result, scientists are not the Genghis Khans of the gene pool. It also explains why the seduction community is centred around men doing irrational things to get female attention.

  3. Some people want to control other people. When it comes to women and men, women don’t see controlling a man as controlling. ’nuff said.

    Whether you get angry or not is YOUR choice. How you express your anger if and when you do, that too –within reasonable limits– is your choice.

  4. “…would like to see me get angry”

    Strange you should mention this. I’ve heard this from three different women now. Could never work out why.

  5. “You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry” – The Incredible Hulk.

    Women can gauge a man by his behavior when angry; to see if he is uncontrollably violent. They are smaller and weaker and rightfully concerned.

    The idea that a person should give vent to violent emotions to get rid of them is wrong (say by punching pillows and screaming in rage). The reason this that in doing so an angry habit is being formed. Such training gives subconscious credence to acting out violently which causes all sorts of negative consequences while perpetuating the anger in a feedback loop.

    The best way to deal with anger is to resolve it with meditation and/or counseling or lots of drugs (lol). Channel the energy into constructive activities that are targeted to alleviate the anger. It is OK to express your anger but loosing the temper is a loss of self control. “He who angers me defeats me” – forgot where I got that quote.

  6. In a lot of ways, reading what you write really helps me understand me better. It’s as if reading about these things and then thinking on them forces me to look into myself for my answers and opinions and it really means a lot that you continue this blog.

    Thanks TS.

  7. This is something I’ve been struggling with myself in the last few years. It seems people don’t take you seriously unless you “f****n’ lose it.” But I wonder: what will happen when I do and how much do I have to in order to be taken seriously?

  8. Same here (don’t remember the number, but it’s something I’ve heard often enough that I started faking it a little).

    Never heard it from another man, though. Odd.

  9. A girl who calls a man who has been through what you have “a fucking cold bastard” just shows her own shallow heartlessness. Who cares what such an immature person thinks of your behavior? Imagine her face if you were honest:

    “Well, I have been raped so many times that it has become hard for me to see anything else as all that upsetting by comparison.”

    Would serve her right.

  10. For me Anger has been very helpful and healing. Expressing it directly, both in private, and at the people who abused me has been helpful. It made me really believe that the abuse was their fault, and not mine. Also it connected me to my own strength and power. Now that I have dealt with a lot of my past anger, I can have normal healthy anger in the present.

    Also from reading your blog, you have a lot to be angry about.

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