When a woman rapes a boy, guess who’s to blame: “toxic masculinity”

I do not expect much of feminists when it comes to them discussing men’s issuses, particularly not male feminists, and especially not the type that wind up in so-called men’s spaces like the Good Men Project. The reason is because feminists have a penchant for attacking and maligning the very men they claim to support.

For example, the Good Men Project ran an article originally posted on Dr. Nerdlove. Harris O’Malley presented his take on “The Difference Between Toxic Masculinity and Being A Man”. It is the typical anti-male nonsense one sees about sexual violence against women. A handful of men commit horrible acts, therefore all masculinity and men are to blame.

Of course, women are not the only victims of sexual violence, something feminists like O’Malley begrudgingly acknowledge. Granted, his way of acknowledging this was by blaming “toxic masculinity” for a woman raping 13-year-old boy. According to O’Malley, the issue is not the adult woman who raped a child but the “toxic masculinity” that makes people ignore the rape:

Alexandra Vera, a middle-school teacher in Texas, was having an affair with a young man. It had started off with some crude flirting – he tried to contact her on her Instagram account, which she refused – but soon her resistance crumbled. She gave him her phone number, accepted an invitation to hang out. When they met up, they drove around and kissed in her car. Their relationship quickly became sexual – they were having sex almost every day, and she became pregnant. There was just one catch.

Vera’s lover was a 13 year old boy. Her student, in fact. And after Child Protective Services began an investigation of her relationship with the boy, she was soon charged with continual sexual abuse of a minor.

What’s significant about this, however, is the fact that nobody is willing to call it rape.

Really? One would have thought what is significant is that this woman raped a 13-year-old boy, got pregnant, and got an abortion after the investigation began in an apparent attempt to hide her rapist activities. Or that she flaunted the boy around her neighbors, claiming he was her brother. Or that she repeatedly had teen boys at her home. Or that she allowed those boys to drink to the point that neighbors noticed beer cans and bottles around her lawn.

No, the most significant element to O’Malley is that the media did what it always does in these cases and labeled it “a relationship”.

It is nice that O’Malley takes issue with this. The way the media frames these cases is a problem. Granted, it is a problem advocates for male victims and men’s rights activists have complained about for decades while feminists like O’Malley mocked their complaints as nothing but “what about teh menz” whining. But now that the rest of society is starting to think this is wrong, now feminists think it is wrong too.

Yet what O’Malley finds wrong is not that a woman repeatedly raped a 13-year-old boy. It is this:

Not surprisingly, comment after comment about this story follows the same pattern: “hot for teacher”, “I wish I could go back to high-school”, “lucky son of a bitch”, etc. And why shouldn’t people celebrate his luck? He’s a horny 13 year old, living the dream! Sure, it’s a crime, but hey, what 13 year old didn’t dream about boning his hot teacher?

We’re willing to cut him slack because he’s a 13 year old boy. If this were a 13 year old girl, we’d be having a very different conversation right now, with correspondingly different headlines.

We would, but that has nothing to do the actual problem, which is that a woman raped a 13-year-old boy. O’Malley thinks there is a different problem:

Yeah, 13 year old boys are frequently horny. 13 year old boys, in the throes of puberty, frequently fantasize about sex with any number of people – celebrities, teachers, babysitters, etc. But there are reasons why we have age of consent laws, and that’s because children rarely have any idea what the fuck they’re doing. The fact that they may want something with their heart, soul and gonads doesn’t mean that it’s a good idea to actually achieve them. They certainly don’t have the life experience or the maturity – hell, even the brain development – to handle an adult relationship, doubly so with someone who is not only nearly twice their age but in a position of authority over them.

So the issue is not that this woman took advantage of this boy and manipulated him to so she could use him for sex. The issue is that the boy lacks the maturity to handle an adult relationship. That sounds a lot like victim blaming, but perhaps I am not being fair:

Vera’s victim was in the position of being a father before he had even left the eighth grade. No matter how badly he wanted to bust a nut, he was in no position to handle the responsibilities or consequences that come with sex. And Vera, despite being 11 years his senior, is clearly not a person of responsibility or good judgement herself… something he might recognize were he older. She is a grown woman who by her own words, couldn’t resist the “charms” of somebody who had barely outgrown playing Yokai Watch.

No, I was right. That is classic victim blaming. Vera is not at fault because by her own admission she is irresponsible. The boy bears the responsibility because of his immaturity. He would have known better not to trust Vera had he not been such a hormone-driven teen boy.

Curiously, O’Malley does not offer any evidence that this was the boy’s actual response to Vera. Much like the people who assume the boy was “lucky”, O’Malley assumes the boy could not control his teenage lust. The possibility that Vera groomed the boy and lied to investigators to cover up her actions never seems to cross O’Malley’s mind.

I read over a dozen articles about this case, and every one of the only reports Vera’s side of the story. There are no interviews with the boy or his parents or prosecutors. There is no corroboration of Vera’s claim that the boy’s parents knew about or supported their “relationship” or that the boy initiated the “relationship”. The only evidence corroborated by an outside party are instances of the boy flirting with Vera at school.

If one reads the above link, Vera’s account sounds remarkably like the typical child abuser claim: she did nothing wrong. The boy came onto her, and at first she resisted but he was so persistent that they had sex. After that, she goes to the boy’s home the next day when his parents are not there and has sex with him again. She claims that she was introduced as his girlfriend, but it is unclear whether she was passed off as a teenage girl or if the boy’s parents knew who she was.

It sounds like a lie, yet O’Malley appears to have bought it, apparently solely so he could make this claim:

But no matter how hot she may be, Vera raped a child. While not every victim of sexual assault or molestation will behave the same way – there are women out there who have been abused or assaulted who brush it off as “no big deal” – the fact is that these tropes of toxic masculinity mean that we’re unwilling to acknowledge his abuse. That unwillingness to call sexual abuse for what it is means that other victims have similarly difficult times coming forward, admitting that they’d been abused or getting the help that they need.

You know what else makes it hard for victims to come forward? People saying things like, “Yeah, 13 year old boys are frequently horny. 13 year old boys, in the throes of puberty, frequently fantasize about sex with any number of people – celebrities, teachers, babysitters, etc. But there are reasons why we have age of consent laws, and that’s because children rarely have any idea what the fuck they’re doing.” Or things like “Vera, despite being 11 years his senior, is clearly not a person of responsibility or good judgement herself… something he might recognize were he older.”

When you hold boys responsible for protecting themselves against predators, they learn that there is no point in coming forward because people like O’Malley will simply blame them for it. O’Malley can try to weasel his way out of the rape apologism and misandry of his article by claiming “no matter how hot she may be, Vera raped a child”, yet that claim sounds hollow when the only reason he says it is to argue that the real issue is the victim’s is not mature enough to handle the “relationship” and the “toxic masculinity” that makes people think he is “lucky”.

What would have helped is if it looked like O’Malley actually thought a woman having sex with a 13-year-old boy wrong.

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12 thoughts on “When a woman rapes a boy, guess who’s to blame: “toxic masculinity”

  1. What a fucking crock of shit. Imagine a guy who fucked a 13 year old girl saying “yeah well 13 year old girls are horny” the (justified) backlash would be immense. Because its a woman, she gets a pussy pass. She committed a crime and deserves punishment though I doubt anything will come of this.

  2. Pingback: When a woman rapes a boy, guess who’s to blame: “toxic masculinity” – Manosphere.org

  3. We’ll be like England soon and recommend that no woman should ever go to jail. It’s a defacto law anyway by way of a lack of sentencing of women who commit these horrible crimes.

    It sickens me to know who the enablers are (i.e. media, male and female feminists) willing to do to twist evil for the sake of their wicked ideology. But mostly due to male feminists who refuse to hold women accountable.

    So why wouldn’t women behave like (e.g. Vera) and believe they haven’t committed a crime. They’ve been told by male feminists and the media / enablers that they aren’t responisible for their actions. It’s a man’s (or in this case a boys) fault.

    Thank you very much for the labor of exposing these fools.

  4. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3664934/Florida-woman-26-threatens-man-hatchet-refusing-sleep-her.html

    It’s the boyfriend’s fault because he told the little (drunk) princees NO. I thought no means no .. I get so confused with feminist double speak.

    Smart move on his part (re: removing himself from the house). If he had had sex with her he would have been the rapist (e.g. drunk women, only, can’t give consent .. even if they are threatening you with a weapon).

    Notice they didn’t charge her with aggraviated sexual assualt.

    She’ll only get probation.

  5. If saying that thirteen year old boys are (often, not in every case obvs) horny or thinking it is very possible he DID come onto her (she, as the adult, still had the responsibility to say ‘no’) makes me a feminist, a victim-blamer or some such so be it.

    And yes, boys would be (and so would girls, natch) better off trained how to handle their emerging sexuality and watch out for dangers and pitfalls rather than having it denied that it exists. I plead guilty to believing that, too.

    I know what I was like at 13. I know my crush on my Language Arts teacher (had her the next year too, as homeroom)was unreciprocated, and I’ll damnned if I can think of anything she did to cause or encourage it. She didn’t dress unprofessionally. I think she might have told one raunchy joke (in German, at that) in two years of teaching. She didn’t ‘keep me after class’, or treat me as her pet or anything like that. All she did was sit there looking statuesque and stunning with a foreign accent (she had lived most of her childhood overseas) that made her even more attractive.I certainly wasn’t the only boy with such a crush(she was a ‘hot teacher’ ), just the most immediately goofily obvious.That being said, all I could do was fantasize and stare. And yes, my body reacted in the obvious way. Thank God for desks.

    I’m agreeing with everything else in your essay, but this ridiculous denial that 12 to 14 is probably when most boys (and many girls) start having sexual fantasies, often over people considerably older than them has to stop.It doesn’t protect the kids, for one thing. Plus it certainly doesn’t help them deal with their fantasies of each other.

    It’s the same reason the feminist attacks on teenage boys and schools for having dress codes piss me off. I remember more than one day during high school when I didn’t learn a single damn thing other than what color one of my female classmates panties and other undergarments were. Teen boys and girls are attracted to each other, teen boys are going to stare (hell, even if you had them in burkhas some of us guys would notice their eyes and ankles) but to feminists that is all so problematic, but they won’t let the sexes be educated in segregated environments. Nope the solution is to demonize male sexuality when you can’t deny it exists and insist that teen boys stop being teen boys and NOTICING things (and I know girls tend to stare at butts as well). So I’m in favor of uniforms for both sexes (to reduce the distractions, the dress code in my school was very loose and yes, I really could see panties and bras at times though usually a teacher would notice if a bra was obvious or something and someone would get sent home.) or single -sex education, with occasional supervised mixers.

    Once again, I agree with your essay. I wish the news organizations would treat this differently, I wish someone had interviewed the 13 year old baby teen to get his perspective. But it wouldn’t surprise me if he did make the first move. Or not. Probably most thirteen year olds are too shy and inexperienced to try such a thing. The kids on this blog who’ve been most promiscious have tended also to be the ones who have next to no caring adults in their lives or who were abused at an even younger than 13 age.

  6. Clarence, the problem is not that O’Malley said that 13-year-old boys are horny. Yes, teen boys and girls are sex crazed. Yes, they fantasize about teachers and other adults. The problem is that he used that normal teenage response to argue that somehow the boy bears responsibility for his lack of cognitive maturity, the latter of which O’Malley seemingly argues is the reason the boy was raped. It is not that the teacher acted inappropriately, but that the boy would have known better he if were older and wiser.

    I am realistic about children and sex. Children are interested in sex, and teenagers often have trouble dealing with their changing bodies. I live in a house full of teenage boys, so I understand it very well. Yet living with so many hormone-fueled people also allows me to see how easy it is for someone to take advantage of them, particularly a kid in junior high. This is not an adult. This is not a soon to be adult. This is child, with child ways and a child’s mind.

    There is a point where we have to stop thinking with our adult minds about what we were like as children and actually pay attention to how children behave. There is also a point where we have to stop using a child’s normal development against them. Yes, teenagers want to have sex. They cannot help themselves. Their bodies are doing that all on their own regardless of what the child actually wants. I think taking advantage of that is worse than assaulting someone who had no interest in sex because it perverts and distorts the child’s normal feelings.

  7. We all agree that the teacher was in the wrong.
    I merely state the boy might (or might not) have had an attraction he made clear. In short, this offender didn’t necessarily have to ‘groom’ him: she might merely have had to succumb to whatever temptation she felt.

    You are acting as if somehow you think the boys body wanted something his mind did not want.
    I can’t speak for him, I CAN speak for ME.
    I have never felt a disconnect between my hormonal sexual (often involuntary such as erections) responses and my sexual desires. Note, we are not talking about whether sometimes an erection is (or esp as a teen when it happened so often) is embarrassing or even whether sometimes I would wish I did not notice someone sexually due to distraction or whatever. The point is, every women or teen girl (I’m including my entire life here) I’ve had a bodily response to, I’ve also wanted to have sex with. I have never had that response to a woman I don’t regard as attractive. Nor to any men. Nor to dogs, frogs, planes, or trains.

    I guess the point I’m making as I don’t believe that somehow he didn’t ‘really want’ to have sex with her. Sure, its possible if we asked him we’d find some sort of coercion: threats, drugs, maybe he was ok at the beginning but cooled and she wouldn’t let him go. That’s all possible. But it’s not guaranteed. But for some reason, that seems to be your default assumption. And that I do not buy.

  8. “But now that the rest of society is starting to think this is wrong, now feminists think it is wrong too.”

    This goes to show that feminists as they stand now are followers, not leaders. Before society had become even vaguely aware of female domestic abuse, feminists were happy to tolerate it and regard it as empowering, and there’s even evidence of them covering it up and preventing people from talking about it as far back as recently as 1992. Now however, they can’t do that so they try and crowbar the narrative into their way of thinking.

    As for “toxic masculinity”, well, the feminists are the ones who’ve been instrumental in brushing it under the carpet. When a woman is raped it’s men’s fault. When it’s the other way round it’s men’s fault. Seems we just can’t win. I mean, it’s usually women who say men only think of sex, then the feminists say that patriarchal society teaches boys they should always be thinking of or ready for sex. Seems they can’t make up their minds either.

    Sometimes O’Malley has written some good articles – usually on other subjects. Needless to say, this ain’t one of them.

  9. Clarence, I think it is possible the boy may have approached the teacher. It is also possible that he did not. I am not inclined to trust the word a person who apparently had an abortion to cover up that she raped the boy.

    I am also not inclined to assume that because boys get horny and want to have sex that this somehow absolves the offender of responsibility. The boy in this case was 13-years-old. That is a child. That he is capable of ejaculating does not change that. That he may want to have sex does not change that. There are plenty of things he may want to do: drive, get a tattoo, do drugs, drink, watch porn. He will likely do plenty of those regardless of whether someone tells him not to. The point is that it is wrong for any adult to use his interest in those things to exploit him.

    That seems to be the part you are missing. Vera did not only do this to him. She apparently had teen boys over to her home frequently. She had the wherewithal to lie about who he was when she introduced him to her neighbors. She had an abortion in an apparent attempt to cover up that she was pregnant with his child.

    That is why it is wrong. It does not matter if a child wants to do it. She is an adult and she should know not to do it.

    And do not misunderstand. Given my experiences, I am far more permissive about sex than you might think. My issue is with the apparent assumption that because the boy may have wanted to have sex with Vera that this someone absolves a clear sexual predator of responsibility for her actions. She used him. It is obvious she used him. They way she is placing all the blame on him demonstrates this. Why entertain that nonsense?

    Let me be blunt: yes, he may have wanted to fuck her. That does not mean it was right to do it repeatedly, lie about it, and then play the victim when caught. It also does not make it his fault because the boy was 13-years-old. The adult is responsible, and any adult who cannot resist the “charm” or libido of a 13-year-old boy should not be around children.

  10. My only issue with your entire replies to me is that you seemed to deny he had sexual agency and that she had to somehow ‘trick’ him into wanting to put his male organ into her female oriface.
    All I said she might have initially done nothing wrong. She notices h e wants her ‘in that way’ and yes, THEN she exploits him. On that we agree. I thought I made myself clear. I guess not.

  11. Clarence, I conceded that it is possible that the boy did initiate the activity. Where I take issue is from whom we get this information. It is not from the boy, from his parents, from his family, from his friends, or from his classmates. It comes solely from the woman accused of assaulting him. This is a person with a reason to lie. She faces several felony charges, faces years in jail, and apparently has a history of inappropriate activity with teenage boys. I am less inclined to take her word for anything until there is outside corroboration.

  12. I’m a 13 year old boy and ever since I was about 12 and a half every other day I get follower requests on Instagram of a woman who wants to have sex with me, date me, etc. I constantly decline the request. One of the kids in my Boy Scout Troop also gets these, and he’s only 11 and a half. What pisses me off is that, I know that my 11 and a half year old sister doesn’t get these weird things from guys because if she did, the men would be hauled off to jail. But not women. The women can keep raping the boys as much as they want because feminism has gone WAY WAY WAY to far. If an innocent young boy like me is raped and traumatized and that’s ok, then I’m really worried about my safety

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